Life me up so high that i cannot fall.....

Thinking about what i'm about to write feels pretentious.  i know it is not set,  and i would be happy were it not to be realized.  It's just something i need to think through however,  so i'm going to write about it.  Catharsis anyone? 

i guess the point is that i feel as if my future life is a big muddle.   i'm happy to give this to God to straighten out.  Sometimes though,  at a Good Friday service,  and again recently,  i feel almost like i get flashes of an idea which may be the plan for my life.  There's some confusion in my brain regarding whether this is my imagination,  or something i should listen to.  And of course even as i process this,  i want God's will for my life whatever it may be.

i wish i could explain what i mean by a flash,   by that intrusion of a thought that you can't be quite certain isn't just in your brain but feels oddly significant. 

Here's the flash though-  that i may never get married and should live my life serving others.  That i could care for mom and my aunt and any other elderly person who lands on my stoop,  and maybe throw a few foster or adopted children into the mix.  That i ought to expend my energy in the care of others,  like Paul advises in the Bible to certain people,  without the distractions of marriage,  without the distractions of romance.  i just described it to an old friend as like a sort of voluntary Protestant celibacy. 

i formulate grand designs as to how this could work itself out.  i daydream about spearheading a cognitively stimulating and emotionally supportive nursing home for dementia patients,  one devoid of the use of chemical sedatives and room restrictions. 

i daydream about bringing an adult day center to my rural area so we don't have to transport our loved ones 45 minutes away to go to work. 

Yet i feel very inadequate to this sort of a calling.  i'm selfish,  i fall asleep early.  i like my comfort.  i can be downright emotionally unstable at times.

Dog is insistent that my reverie be superseded by his need to go potty.  So i'll leave all this in God's capable hand anyway.