In which i indulge in whiny, girly, passive aggressive girliness, because if you can't be ugly on your blog, where can you be ugly??

Alright, so the title may be fifty shades of hyperbole (and no i have not read, nor do i plan on reading, the books to which that joke is associated, don't worry) but the point is that i figured i'd admit here to the silly girlish jealousy, and get it over with. See today E. became Facebook official with a mutual acquaintance. (Okay, a loose acquaintance of mine, obviously much more now, for him.) Now in all honesty: 1.)Sometimes i read his Facebook statuses, and it strikes me how un-alike we are and how un-right for each other we would be. 2.)i actually thank God that nothing official did happen there, for reasons similar to those outlinePd in number 1. 3.)We barely speak any more. As in i'm trying to think of the last time we spoke on the phone, i have him hidden on Facebook lumping him into the sometimes check out his profile but otherwise may not know what he posts category, and as for seeing him in person, well, it may have been a year. 4.)This distance has lent a clarity to reality, and how despite our best efforts to make it look right, i do think us having any real relationship romantically would have been squeezing a square peg into a round hole, because the peg was so pretty and comfortable. All that being said, it still bothers me a little bit. It isn't the extreme jealousy that once would have been there, or the degree of emotional upset or the strong gut urge to try and win him back. It isn't what it was in earlier phases of our dance, but it is there a little bit. Probably because he was such a big part of my life for so long. Probably because he was so "right" in so many ways, he had so many of the characteristics in a man i'd said i wanted. Probably because he was such a good backup plan. Probably because i like his family, and his friends, and the loss of the potential, was almost like the loss of the family. Probably because i'm still single, and now he's not. Probably because staying up until the wee hours of the morning, sitting on the couch under a blanket on his thirtieth birthday, talking, while the Phantom of the Opera played in the background, is a nice memory. Probably because he brought mom flowers at least twice. Probably because he learned one or two of my darker secrets, and loved me (though he maintained he was not in love with me) anyway. Probably because we bantered about naming his car, and because she took a bath before coming to see me at least once, and because i would pat her, and talk to her, and could lean back into her seat, and listen to the music he let me pick, and just let go of stress. Probably because there was a bottle of tylenol in his center console that was mine, the candy flavored kind, that he bought for me, after the flood. Probably because he had this amazing navy blue fleece that he referred to as mine, which was so amazingly soft, and warm, and over-sized. Probably because he was a part of my life, during at least one stressful part of my life. Probably because i was not nearly as emotionally un-invested in that whole thing as people seemed to think i was, or still think i was. So i'm happy for him, and her. i wouldn't wish he and i back into trying to figure out if we could be right for each other. i feel quite certain we never were, though perhaps we were right for what we were. i wouldn't wish for the stronger feelings that would have once been associated with this post. i wouldn't wish for the jealousy, or the feelings of abandonment when he finally moved on and seemed to just stop contacting me. i wouldn't wish for the realization that at one point even earlier than that i leaned on him so much, that his not being there for me to lean on hurt. i can realize that our dance was not the healthiest thing in the world, and that i perhaps ought to have listened to the voice in my head telling me God didn't want us together seriously much earlier. Still, i'm human, and contrary to the recurring rumor, i'm straight, and female. Which means that when the closest thing to an ex i have goes Facebook official with a girl i know, i may feel something about it. i may stalk both their pages a little the first day. i may blog about it. Then i may move on, much more easily than i would have in the past.